Chapter 20 – The Truth (whose truth)
They met at work. She was 20 years his junior and reporting to him. He was fascinated with her, her youth, they had so much in common. They started spending all their free time together. She claimed she never knew he was married, and she never asked.
When they became more involved, he told her about us (my son and me) , but told her we are only together because of our son, we share absolutely nothing, but I refuse to give him a divorce.
She fell in love with him and believed him.
They went everywhere together, everyone at work knew he was having an affair, she spent time in my home whenever I was away. She used to go through my things – Leave her underwear in my drawers, under my bed, hoping I would find it and divorce him. I never did, because my helper kept it from me and threw it away – she didn’t want to hurt me, and I understood when she eventually told me.
He knew I was checking his statements, and he got clever.He would either buy her stuff with cash or buy both of us gifts and the cost would be similar. He bought her a pair of earrings in January – He also bought me a pair for my birthday. According to her, my gift was an afterthought, because he knew that I would find her pair on his credit card statement, needless to say I returned the gift. He moved her into a place up road from him, he said she can’t move in with him yet, because I am still struggling with the divorce, and he needs to be there for me, you know to help me through this. WTF, I have been dating – I have moved on.
Let’s talk about the birthday burgers – They decided to take the day off and spend it in my bed. The food was their lunch. Only the delivery guy, pressed the wrong button at the gate, and I got the call.
He panicked and told her what she needs to say and do – Because he does not want to get into trouble with me, she needs to lie. He spent most of our savings on his affair – it paid for holidays in cape town, sun city, weekends in hotels, expensive gifts, engraved promise rings and the list goes on.
She knew about the abuse that I suffered – But she felt I deserved it, why couldn’t I just leave him? Why couldn’t I just let him be happy? Instead, I forced him to have an affair, YOU MADE HIM DO IT, she said.
My husband, the person I spent 17 years with, convinced his mistress that I deserved every beating because how dare I question his affair.
At one stage of their “relationship”, she suffered the same abuse, she described to me, how we would climb on top of her, pin her arms down and choke her, she said that it might not have been as intense as mine, but abuse is abuse, and yet she still believed him when he said, he will marry her, as soon as I am “over” him – WTF dude!
Let‘s talk about the mysterious Mark Quinn.
He told her how I was struggling with the divorce, and Mark Quinn was created to “help” me transition, they decided it’s a good idea to use my dead child as a way to help me emotionally open up to Mark and that way he can convince me to “let go.” (yeah I struggle to understand this one)
For 2 years he lived two lives:
With her: A secret life, where he made me out to be this horrible person, that he cannot stand to be around, she gave him that escape, to make his life happy again, because you know, he deserves to be happy, after being trapped in a “loveless” marriage. But when he did the same to her, he didn’t think that she would want to end her life, but she did, she tried to and ended up is a Psychiatric Hospital.
With us: Where he pleaded, cried and begged every opportunity he got for me to forgive him for the “mistake” he made. Made me so paranoid, I thought I was crazy. He told me how crazy I am, I belong in a mental institution, no person would make up stories so far fetched about his “affair” – no one will believe me, He said. And for the longest time I believed him, until one day I didn’t.
He never thought that I would leave him. I did.
He never thought that I would divorce him. I did.
He never thought I would move on. I did.
He never thought that I would TAKE my voice back, but fuck I did.
Everyone asked me after they had learnt the truth – why not take revenge? Because
Revenge is a product of hatred.Wanting to get revenge on him would show and create the perception that I cared about him, and I didn’t. I knew to some extend I hated him.
Hate is a very powerful word, it’s even more powerful when you feel it, I have hated him for the longest time, I have wanted so many answers. I spent so much energy just hating him, but why?
Trauma is a difficult thing to overcome, but when I did, I learned the power of Indifference.
Indifference – The most powerful thing I could have done for myself, was being indifferent towards the things outside of my control. It’s not that I didn’t care in an emotional sense. It’s that I was much more in control of my behavior in the face of those emotions.
He can’t control me anymore.
I AM FREE.