Chapter 15 – Moving On Part 1
For the next few weeks after the divorce, we have very little exchanges between us; we talk only when it’s necessary – about our son that is. A few days after his birthday in October he asked me to go to the movies with him. He said, “It will just be movies.” He just wanted to talk and will drop me at home afterward, it’s not a date, he implores. I’m not exactly sure why I agreed, but I did.
He picked me up at home and we had supper before the movie, and then he asked me – “Can we try again?” he continued with he knows he made a lot of mistakes and he is willing to learn from it if only I could give him another chance, if only I could forgive him, we could be happy again.
I said – NO, too much has already happened; I have given you many opportunities to fix what you broke. I lie and say “maybe one day” for some strange reason this statement makes him happy.
After the movie, he drops me at home as promised. In the next two weeks, our conversation is simple and kept to a minimum.
On the 27th of October, I am at a friend’s place when he calls to speak to my son. After a few minutes, he asks to speak to me. He tells me what a horrible mom I am – to drive around with my son at that hour (8 pm) and he puts the phone down. I did not get a chance to say anything.
Nevertheless, this judgement has now triggered my anxiety, what if he is waiting for me at home? Should I leave now? Should I stay?
I leave. A few minutes after we got home he sent me a message to say that he is sorry – he is dealing with a lot, it is him not me.
It’s the 7th of November and my son is turning five. I invited a few friends over for supper, its mutual friends, so I tell him that he is welcome to come, it is his son too.
I did not expect him to accept the offer but he pitches up. We – when we were married – always had to show everyone that we are “fine” and even after splitting up the charade continues.
My mom thought it’s weird, she questioned everything, and she did not like that he is still so involved in my life. I tried to justify it by saying I need to do what’s best for my son, but it was a lie, the truth is I was fucking scared of him.
He was different that night – I could feel it. The next morning, he called me on my way to work, said he needed to tell me something, but he is scared that it will hurt me.
Really? What could he say that could hurt?
He told me he met someone, a few weeks ago, to be specific on the 27th of October. – Wait, the same night you told me what a horrible mom I was?
Anyway – He likes her, he thinks that they could be exclusive. I told him I am happy for him, I hoped she is everything that he has been looking for. He wanted to give me details about her but I stopped this unnecessary chat. I’m not interested.
I felt relieved; I could start to make plans, to start living again. I could stop hiding, I think.
Our conversations become less, and it’s more about our son. He is occupied and I don’t have to hear or see him on a social level, I mean he has a girlfriend. Finally, my life would be peaceful… I think, right?